An Open Letter to my Daughter's Future Teacher

Dear Teacher,

     I want to apologize in advance for the sassy, back-talking, spoiled little hellion that is my child. I want to thank you for being brave enough to take on such a demanding task. I love my daughter very much. She is beautiful, smart and funny. But let's be honest, that girl is shady as hell and she cannot be trusted. She can go from smiling cherub to screaming banshee in the time it takes you to say "no". She can go from responsible and independent to stuck up your ass in three seconds flat. She can be that child who hangs on you until you feel the need to go hide in the restroom for a half hour. I sincerely  hope you are fully stocked up on anti-anxiety medication before school starts. I fear you're going to need it.

     Teacher, my little girl is not a joiner, so you've got your work cut out for you there in the classroom. In fact, I've failed at getting her to join anything. I came close with soccer last season until she found out they wore green and blue shirts. She refused to play unless her team could wear pink, sparkly shirts and socks with gold glitter thread! How I will get this child to attend school appropriately dressed is beyond me and sadly you will be stuck with her clothing choices. She likes to wear princess dresses and bat-girl capes. She likes to wear heels and thinks lipstick is a daily necessity. I have tried to explain that heels are not good for playing at school. Please don't judge me too harshly if she comes to school in them. She will have an extra set of clothes in her bag.

    I should probably tell you that my girl likes to have snacks and drinks on demand. In fact, she likes to have everything on demand! She is spoiled to the point of no return. Sadly, I realize that this is all my fault and I hope you won't judge me too harshly on that either. I plead insanity on that one! I also apologize to you and the other students for each story, song, rhyme or word that my daughter shares which might be inappropriate for her age group. I am not sure why she seems to be obsessed with talking about poop right now. But you've been warned. I've been told she has a vast vocabulary but sometimes she simply has the mouth of a sailor. Oh, have I mentioned that school is right during her normal nap time? Yes, well good luck with that! In fact, have you seen the movie Gremlins? Remember what happens when those critters get wet? That's a pretty accurate description of my little angel when she doesn't have a nap. I suggest getting a catchers mitt and face-mask to keep in the classroom!

     Teacher, my little angel doesn't like to eat most foods. In fact, there is nothing on the school lunch menu that she will eat. I assure you that when she sees those trays of food she will be making faux vomit noises for the next few hours. I apologize about that as well. I will do my best to send her lunch items that she deems worthy of eating. But I will not blame you if she comes home hungry as I know the struggle is real. Please don't judge me if you see her lunch box packed with Slim Jim's and Cheetos. Believe me, it is simply not worth the fight.

   

 When she was younger I worried about her starting school. What if the other kids were mean to her? Would they hit or bite or yell at her? Now that the time is here, my worries have changed. I sincerely hope that she isn't a bully. I hope she does not cuss or hit or bite. But again, she's a shady little thug at times so nothing would surprise me. By the way, she has informed me that she doesn't really think school is going to be her "thing". She says that she already knows everything necessary and that she is never going to college anyhow. I'm hoping the activities are enough to keep her busy and interested. But I'll understand if you tell me that she spent the entire class time singing Taylor Swift songs in the corner. You might go ahead and move a chair to the corner in advance. By the way, she says that she is "hella good" at singing!

     Teacher, you are a brave and loving person - of that I am sure. I know you've probably seen it all during your years teaching little ones. Let me assure you that I love kids and I love my daughter more than anything. But I also know that she is a handful. I do not know how much money you make a day. But if it's anything less than say around $1,000 per day, you're not getting paid enough to keep up with this one! I'm her mother and there are days when I hide out in the restroom. But she is my own precious little angel and I'll cry when I hand her over to you on that first day. Know that most of those tears will be because I'm not ready to let her go....and a few of them will be for you.

Good Luck (you will need it),

Kendall's Mommy